How to Avoid Family Conflict Over the Holidays
BY Dr. SHARON MELNICK
Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays probably mean get togethers with your family of origin (or even more loaded: with those of your spouse!)
While there are many comforts and joys of spending time withyour extended family, sometimes it can mean interacting withpeople who control, frustrate, criticize, or burden you. With all the stresses you are facing this year, cross'family conflict' off your list with the followingperspectives:
What is the "real reason" you are aggravated with adifficult family member? You wish your difficult familymember could just "get it" and behave differently in theirown life and towards you. Their behavior may legitimatelytake up a lot of time or show insensitivity to you. Butknow that you are angry with them because you are hoping andexpecting that they will be more evolved than they are atthis point. You are hoping that one of these times theywill give you the validation you richly deserve (but theyare likely incapable of.) When you say to yourself thatthey should be different or vent to a confidant about "whydo they do that?", you are hoping that they will heed youradvisement and magically do it differently next time. Youare 'living in hope'.
As soon as you accept that they are "where they are on theirjourney" (and so are you), you know it is not fruitful totry to change them. As long as you are hoping andexpecting they will be different, you can continue to act inyour same patterns and expect the change to come from them. Even though its painful for you to standby and watchsomeone you care about not be happy, you must appreciatepart of you wants them to act differently in order for youto feel at ease or comfortable with yourself and yoursituation. The answer of course is to focus on your 50%. To the extent that you can feel 'good in you' no matter howyour family members are acting out of their limitations, youwill no longer be aggravated by them.
Why are family members so difficult? Usually people are"difficult" because they are going about getting their needsmet in the only way they know how. The way they can feelpowerful and good in themselves is by controlling things,situations, and people - they are not able to feel good byconnecting meaningfully with you for who you really are andthey are not able to see you as separate from how they needto see you in their own mind in order to feel good aboutthemselves. If you have more effective and diverse ways ofgetting what you need (good for you!), you probably seetheir limited approaches as unreasonable. Instead ofbeing annoyed by them, separate yourself from needinganything from them.
How can you make family interactions more harmonious? Thereare many things that you can do to take responsibility foryour part of the interaction. Some examples include:-
-Know exactly what you want from the situation so youcan ask for it instead of hoping they will read your mind.
-See it from their point of view, make them feelunderstood, and phrase your requests to them in terms thatmotivate them (and don't just assume because you wantsomething they will want to be that way for you.)
-Do things that are easy for you to do that help them get theirneeds met even in their rigid ways. For example, showappreciation to a narcissistic person and make them feelspecial. If it means acting out of integrity for you,don't go along with them. Let a narcissistic, controlling,or off- color person know your limits. Tell them you in aneutral, respectful tone that you don't tolerate thatbehavior, and that you will talk to them or spend time withthem when they are not acting that way (then walk away andcome back later).
-Make sure your communication is clear and respectful,reducing the chance you will be misinterpreted- Articulate more precisely the kind of support, love,and cooperation you can get from difficult family membersand what you wish you could get but will realistically notbe able to get. Only interact with them around the former.
-Focus effectively on nurturing yourself and initiatingmeaningful connections that will bring fulfillment in yourcurrent life - so you are less vulnerable to others makingyou feel bad.
-Instead of focusing on the unrealizedharmony within your family, be grateful for the familymembers who are alive and in a state of reasonable health; be grateful for all the ways that you and your familymembers have been resilient to the current challengingtimes.
How can you deal with your spouse who falls back into a role in their family? If your spouse reverts to someone you don'trecognize when with their family, it's not an opportunity for criticism. Rather, appreciate that there is still apart of them that is stuck believing it's the only way theywill be loved by the people they invested with such hope togive them their 'emotional oxygen'. What you can do is'kill them with kindness' to help them trust that they nowhave new ways of being loved by you.
One of the participants in my recent Friction FreeRelationships program said that if she had learned theseskills years ago her life would have been much happier. Ifyou have friction in your work relationships or yourpersonal and family relationships, you can eliminate anytime you spend being frustrated and make interactions gosmoothly and easily. Get these skills for yourself with aspecial Thanksgiving offer of $200 savings.Sharon
Dr. Sharon M. Melnick
(O) 212.842.4638
sharon@sharonmelnick.com
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New York, NY 10020 United States
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